Monday, February 22, 2010


Today is the 9th day that my grandmother died. So me and my daughter went to church to light a candle and pray. As of the moment I am not ready to talk about her death in my blog... it is still fresh and I am still hurting.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Since yesterday I am having a hard time to shallow and accept the news that my mother told me, She just came home from Salay, Misamis Oriental about 10 hrs bus ride from Davao, she visited my grandmother which is her mother. My grandmother has a stage 4 nasal cancer and is in the terminal stage, as I write this blog I can't help my tears falling down on my cheeks. I love my grandmother so dearly that I love her and my grandfather more than I love my parents! yes It is true, I really love them above all! They are the one who took care of me and my sister Reva when we are young until teenager, they shower us love and give us everything.. well not material things but happiness and contentment. They are the one who shape my behavior, what I am today it is because of them. All my childhood days, I don't remember being sad, it was always happy! that when I look back those days I told myself, how I wish I could turn back the time.

Now that I grew up and settle here in Davao City, I tried my very best to visit them every now and then if I get a chance. Among my grandmother's grandchildren and great great grandchildren who are approximately more than a hundred, Me and my sister Reva is her favorite. Everybody knows that and it is okey with them, my cousins love me and respect me, there is no jealousy maybe because I am also very good to them.

"Your lola will only have 2 months to live or less" my mother told me. I answered  angrily "NO! who are you to say that? you are not God! she will live long! I hate it when you tell me like that"  My mother only give a long sigh.

She knows and understand me that until now I still cannot accept the fact that my grandmother has a cancer and soon will be leaving us. From the the day that the doctor told us that she had a cancer last April 2009 and the doctor cannot perform a operation on her because she is 90 years old, I told myself  "No way! the doctor is wrong!"

But as time goes by the cancer spread though her body and my last visit to her last November 2009, her left face grew bigger, she grew weaker everyday and the bleeding of her nose is very frequent.
Last week I got a telephone call from my auntie telling me that I should go there and visit my grandmother because she did not eat anymore and she always screams at night, YES SHE IS IN PAIN just like any cancer patient.( I am really crying now)

How I wish I am there... but I cannot.. I still have school and work to do. I talked to my grandmother in phone and promised her that I will be there this March after my school, she cannot talk clearly now so she just listen to me, my auntie on the other line told me that my grandmother smile when she heard that I will be coming. I told her "Oyang just hold on, eat and everything will be okey, so when I get there we will go to BIRHEN SA LOURDES", it is a church where we useually go when I was still a child.
 She then told me "Tata" thats what she called me. "Do not worry, I can feel that I am getting stronger  now and soon I will be okey, I will eat whatever they give me so when you come this March I am completely healed"

I don't know what she feels and what she thinks... does she think that she will be ok or she only told me like that so I will not be worry about her?

Right now my sister Reva is with her, she leaves her work for 1-2 months to take care of my grandmother, it is not that no one takes care of her, all her 9 children and grandchildren lives near to her so basically many people take care of her but my sister feels that it is now is the time to give back the love that my grandmother deserve. That is also what I wanted.. to take care of her... but how can I? I have school work until March..

Me and grandmother, April 2009

4th Generation, with my dauhter Vinnerie

June 2009 my visit to Salay, Misamis Oriental

In her bed. She was stronger then..

with my Aunt who takes care of her and did not leave her side until now.

my grandmother and my daughter.. 

my last visit November 2009, notice her face...

this is my grandmother November 2009. My mother told me that now her face is completely swollen, the left eyes close and basically much much worst now.

This is the main reason why I am having a hard time now.. my mvp is acting again.. I am emotionally stress and I am very anxious nowadays. My muscles is twitching again due to stress.. I tried to fight this.. I know I can do it.. but I dont know... I LOVE MY OYANG, I LOVE HER. Until now I still hope that she will be ok and soon be heal. Am I wrong?


< i miss you M >