IN MEMORY OF MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER "OYANG"

I barely made it through the holidays of December and January…and then February came...There wasn’t a time thatI have a hard time expressing myself. It just pours out of me. That’s what I thought but lately I found out that I am so much better at getting my feelings out on paper than in person.

I am remembering back in the beginning when Oyang was first diagnosed I can honestly say that I was in denial, thinking that there was no way that something so horrible could be happening to our family. Then when they told us that Oyang didn’t have too much longer to live it hit me like a ton of bricks. My Oyang was going to die. I had never been so scared in my life and wondered how I would live without my Oyang. More so I couldn’t even imagine what my Oyang was feeling nor could ever imagine what was going through her mind . How do you prepare yourself for death? How do you prepare your children, your grandchildren? How do let them know that everything will be ok? That in time, things will get easier?.

On April 2009 Oyang’s life and the lives of her loved ones, were forever changed, she was diagnosed with stage 3 Sinunasal Cancer. A type of cancer that was supposed to have many options of treatment. Oyang was told up front that what she had was treatable but not curable. Operation was an option in some cases but to her it wasn’t advisable because of her age. She was ready for whatever was to come her way. She did what she was supposed to . As the story goes…her life…my life…and the day it changed forever.

Oyang was a vibrant 88 year old mother of 9 who loved life and life loved her back in return. How true the old saying goes… that your life can change in the drop of a dime. Oyang was in for the battle of her life but, was she ready? Even at age 88, are we? AM i? Is anyone ever ready for what they’re about to endure? How do you prepare yourself for the unknown? Or the unseen? Something that attacks you from the inside… and hasn’t the courage to show it’s ugly head. You know, I used to think that if you could know that someone you love was about to die, it would be easier,or more comforting. It meant you had more time, time to at least show them and tell them how much they have meant to you. Let them know how you felt, and try to comfort them and to reassure them that everything would be ok. Boy, how wrong I was. Because no matter how much time you have, no-one can ever be ready enough. Or prepared enough to lose their life, or to lose the life of someone they love. The part I struggled the most with, the part I felt so helpless with, was watching my Oyang, who was once so full of life and who was once so vibrant and ready to take on the world, just start to fade away. To have her once perfect life taken away from her day by day. That was heartbreaking. Knowing no matter what, there was nothing I could do to take that pain and that suffering away from her. It just killed me. I guess you could say … a part of me also died inside. That, my friend, is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Because I was her favourite grand daughter and did gave me everything I wish for, I dreamt.., I was supposed to protect her, I was supposed to give back.. and I failed. I struggle with that guilt, although in my heart, I knew it wasn’t my fault. I just wish there was more that I could have done for her. I so wanted to take away her pain. I hated seeing her that way… and it still bothers me to this day.

How do you fight back? How do you come face to face with the unknown… something that is so evil and has no mercy? I often think about God…and wonder? Do I have the right to question my faith in God? I have every right, and still have my days where I question that faith. I struggle with my emotions and I struggle with the guilt that I feel. I do believe that God has a purpose and that everyone is put on this earth for a reason. I do believe in God. Although, I still struggle with the understanding of it all, and probably will never know. I remember praying to God to make her better. I remember having so many questions. Was my faith being tested ? I wasn’t sure, but one thing that I was sure of, was my questions and more so my prayers went un-answered. Until my final prayer. I prayed to God, I begged God to please either help her, or take her. The one prayer that God heard, he took her. Now I wish I could take back that prayer, because I lied. I didn’t want him to take her. I wanted him to help her and make her better. At that moment I had never felt weaker, or more alone. Selfish?? Yes, I still wanted her here! Yes for selfish reasons. I also struggled with my anger. Do I have the right to be angry? Very much so! He took someone very dear to my heart. He took my Oyang, a part of me, a huge part of my life. It also took a piece of my heart, a piece of all of our heart…

The look on my oyang’s face the day she died is one that I will never forget. I Felt her pain inside… I was holding her hand that whole day… I wanted to say I’m sorry to her because I did not have the courage to stay when she asked me to.. I didn’t have the courage to grant her request when she said “ bing d na man gyud siguro ako magdugay, pagminyo na kay para musayaw pako sa imong kasal. Unya makakaon pako ug baboynga tulo ka klase”.. God knows how I wanted to but I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to tell her that…but even on just to tell her, I cant find a courage to whisper it in her ears.. I hold her hand, grabbed a phone and text a dear friend about it. I was crying when a reply came… a message strong enough to make say the words. So I look deep into my Oyang still holding her hand but I noticed her breathing went faster.. and then it stop.. I did not know it was her last breath. I could have said im sorry, I could have said thank you but… I did not know. I wasn’t strong enough.. I was shocked and no matter how I cried my heart out.. she still breath no more.. I pressed my fingers on her vitals to seek for the pulse.. I know she’s dead but she cant be.. I still have to tell her… It felt to me as if two lives were lost that day.


My Oyang was the type of person who was always the first to comfort someone who was hurting… never asking for anything in return. Towards the end she only asked for one thing, and that one thing was “time.” She asked for more time to see me get married. More time to see us enter the next chapter of our lives. More time to know that her children would be ok… sad to say… she never got that time… because as of February 13 2010 a pre- valentines day my Oyang lost her battle… she was taken home. Back to a place where she was free of the pain and the suffering. The only comfort I can find in her passing is knowing that her pain and her suffering has ended, but now for her family, unfortunately, our pain and our battle still continues. The battle to live our lives without her, they say things will get easier. Only time will tell. You know the old saying, that you shouldn’t take life for granted. Me personally, I feel that it’s not so much as taking our life for granted, as much as it is ” making the time ” that we take for granted. So I say to all of you: Take each day as it comes. Live each day as if it is your last. Cherish every moment you have. Take that “time” to let yourself Live, Love and Laugh. Remember to let yourself be loved. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of those who love you the most. This I say this to you from the bottom of my heart…because I know first hand… that “those” days and “those” moments… can be taken away from you at any “time”….

And this I say to… my Oyang…straight from my heart… I will always love you and will miss you more with each passing day…I miss your smile, your laughter but most of all your being… In memory of Patricia Balangiao Acosta who lost her life… February 13, 2010…. we pray that you are resting in peace.. 

PHOTOS ON MY BIRTHDAY

                                            Some photos on my birthday last March 8, 2010

                                        me, my bestfriend Mario, Emily, Rosita and my mother

with my bestfriends, mother, father, sister Reva and Auntie 

my daughter is crying... she is sleepy

Sister Reva, me, mother and father

the whole family

another angle

family

sister Reva

with my 1st cousin Everett Parker, he is the one who sponsor the drinks! thank you kuya!

My closest cousin in father side, Everett Parker and my daughter

wacky!

9 DAYS

Today is the 9th day that my grandmother died. So me and my daughter went to church to light a candle and pray. As of the moment I am not ready to talk about her death in my blog... it is still fresh and I am still hurting.

I LOVE YOU "OYANG"

Since yesterday I am having a hard time to shallow and accept the news that my mother told me, She just came home from Salay, Misamis Oriental about 10 hrs bus ride from Davao, she visited my grandmother which is her mother. My grandmother has a stage 4 nasal cancer and is in the terminal stage, as I write this blog I can't help my tears falling down on my cheeks. I love my grandmother so dearly that I love her and my grandfather more than I love my parents! yes It is true, I really love them above all! They are the one who took care of me and my sister Reva when we are young until teenager, they shower us love and give us everything.. well not material things but happiness and contentment. They are the one who shape my behavior, what I am today it is because of them. All my childhood days, I don't remember being sad, it was always happy! that when I look back those days I told myself, how I wish I could turn back the time.

Now that I grew up and settle here in Davao City, I tried my very best to visit them every now and then if I get a chance. Among my grandmother's grandchildren and great great grandchildren who are approximately more than a hundred, Me and my sister Reva is her favorite. Everybody knows that and it is okey with them, my cousins love me and respect me, there is no jealousy maybe because I am also very good to them.

"Your lola will only have 2 months to live or less" my mother told me. I answered  angrily "NO! who are you to say that? you are not God! she will live long! I hate it when you tell me like that"  My mother only give a long sigh.

She knows and understand me that until now I still cannot accept the fact that my grandmother has a cancer and soon will be leaving us. From the the day that the doctor told us that she had a cancer last April 2009 and the doctor cannot perform a operation on her because she is 90 years old, I told myself  "No way! the doctor is wrong!"

But as time goes by the cancer spread though her body and my last visit to her last November 2009, her left face grew bigger, she grew weaker everyday and the bleeding of her nose is very frequent.
Last week I got a telephone call from my auntie telling me that I should go there and visit my grandmother because she did not eat anymore and she always screams at night, YES SHE IS IN PAIN just like any cancer patient.( I am really crying now)

How I wish I am there... but I cannot.. I still have school and work to do. I talked to my grandmother in phone and promised her that I will be there this March after my school, she cannot talk clearly now so she just listen to me, my auntie on the other line told me that my grandmother smile when she heard that I will be coming. I told her "Oyang just hold on, eat and everything will be okey, so when I get there we will go to BIRHEN SA LOURDES", it is a church where we useually go when I was still a child.
 She then told me "Tata" thats what she called me. "Do not worry, I can feel that I am getting stronger  now and soon I will be okey, I will eat whatever they give me so when you come this March I am completely healed"

I don't know what she feels and what she thinks... does she think that she will be ok or she only told me like that so I will not be worry about her?

Right now my sister Reva is with her, she leaves her work for 1-2 months to take care of my grandmother, it is not that no one takes care of her, all her 9 children and grandchildren lives near to her so basically many people take care of her but my sister feels that it is now is the time to give back the love that my grandmother deserve. That is also what I wanted.. to take care of her... but how can I? I have school work until March..

 

Me and grandmother, April 2009

4th Generation, with my dauhter Vinnerie

June 2009 my visit to Salay, Misamis Oriental

In her bed. She was stronger then..

with my Aunt who takes care of her and did not leave her side until now.

my grandmother and my daughter.. 

my last visit November 2009, notice her face...

this is my grandmother November 2009. My mother told me that now her face is completely swollen, the left eyes close and basically much much worst now.

This is the main reason why I am having a hard time now.. my mvp is acting again.. I am emotionally stress and I am very anxious nowadays. My muscles is twitching again due to stress.. I tried to fight this.. I know I can do it.. but I dont know... I LOVE MY OYANG, I LOVE HER. Until now I still hope that she will be ok and soon be heal. Am I wrong?

I JUST WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I LOVE MY GRANDMOTHER SO MUCH! NOTHING CAN REPLACE HER IN MY HEART AND IN MY LIFE!

< i miss you M >